Thoughts on Wanting vs Seeing
These are words from Sarah Collette š©· - chart attached - she has Motivation - Innocence :)
My comment on the original post?
ā> Bada bing bada boom šÆ
Enjoy š
āI used to think one of the most important questions I could ask myself was, āWhat do I want from life?ā
Itās what I was taught to ask, after all. What do you want to be when you grow up? Who do you want to become? What do you want to do? What kind of work do you want to do?
This line of questioning sure led me to spend my life evaluating circumstances according to whether they corresponded with what I wanted. My not-self walking around, constantly grading reality against my expectation. But somewhere throughout this deconditioning journey, this experiment, the question has changed pretty drastically. And now it seems more right to ask not what I want, but, āWhat am I here to see?ā
Because I think thatās all it is. Just what we are here to see. We are passengers in these meatsuits, roaming around, so ungodly serious about the hierarchy at work and whether somebody thinks weāre impressive and whether weāre winning some game nobody remembers agreeing to play. I spent years trying to prove something to people who were themselves trying to prove something to me. I rehearsed conversations that never happened while driving in my car everyday, defended identities nobody asked me to defend. I could stay bitter and furious about something someone said last Tuesday or a year ago last Tuesday. And all the while, consciousness was just sitting there, rolling its eyes, quietly saying, āShhhh. Just look.ā
Seeing feels like a much more meaningful currency, Itās a completely different economy of being alive, thatās for sure. The world accumulates its accomplishments, money, approval, titles, experiences, relationships, and possessions. But what if the only thing my consciousness actually gets to accumulate is the seeing?
Itās not like I get to keep a house. I donāt get to keep this body, or a job, a person, my reputation (I mean, sometimes thatās a blessing), an experience, or the identity Iāve spent this lifetime constructing. But there is this extraordinary, temporary privilege of being here and noticing any of it.
Itās sort of a strange miracle, being embodied at all. The feeling of a peachās juice running down my arm and the sweetness of it on my tongue. My catās fur beneath my fingers. A September sunset. The running water of a stream on my bare feet. Someoneās eyes. Pain. Humiliation. Desire. A terrible day at work. None of these things has to become a lesson or an achievement or a title, or even mean anything at all. Theyāre simply phenomena passing through awareness for me to witness, to feel, to taste, to imagine, to suffer.
And donāt get me wrong, I donāt think wanting is the enemy. Wanting/desire is just another thing for me to see. Fear is something to see. Proving is something to see. Bravery is something to see. Love is something to see. Itās not about not wanting. Itās about noticing myself in the wanting.
The self and the not-self, true motivation and transference⦠itās all just seeing. Itās not like any of it goes away. Iām still Sarah in this ridiculous unruly meatsuit, irritated and delighted, tired and inspired, social and withdrawn, occasionally wondering what the hell Iām doing here. But thereās also the Sarah who notices me doing all of that. Thereās something almost funny about catching myself in the act of transferring, like I kinda get to laugh at my own joke now.
All this time spent trying to figure out what I wanted in this life, and the joke, I think, is that Iām really just here to watch it happen.ā