Projectors - do you see your bitterness? Know when it’s coming on?
I don’t have very much anymore. Used to be, when someone couldn’t hear me (in particular) that I’d make myself crazy trying to be heard - to no avail of course.
Now, I really only get hints of it in 2 different scenarios (that I can think of atm) -
1. I can feel it coming on when I’m about to over-give (I generally catch myself before I do that now - but it’s still an important signpost) … this seems to be a function of my collective channels - there’s a tipping point into enough is enough with the collective sharing that I can feel arriving now.
2. When someone who doesn’t quite recognize me unloads, I read or listen to all of it, offer my thoughts and because they can’t quite hear me … it gets wasted or maybe worse, misquoted. Lumped up into a pile of other guidance while still being in search of even more 🤦🏻♀️ … literally have already offered them the keys to the kingdom and they’re off wandering in the streets somewhere.
Whatcha gonna do 🙄🤷🏻♀️
That second one is more difficult to avoid. Hard to know who truly recognizes you (me) without going in partway.
That pesky requirement of my Design for details doesn’t help much, can get me in a bit deep fast if I’m not careful - good thing I have a defined solarplexus and a 3rd line profile methinks.
And what feels at this point like a substantially de-conditioned ego.
Such a waste of energy - an unnecessary distraction when it goes wonky …
Usually happens though because I’ve - even mildly - not waited for them to come to me.
And in my case anyway, not securing an appropriate transaction before I spend too much of me on their thing. Part of that is pretty clearly about my Markets environment though. Such an important filter for me to continuously lean into.
Tribal too (bargain circuitry - unconscious in my case) … are we having a win/win exchange. Are they focused (happily transacted) enough to really hear me. And when they are not … bitterness.
Hmm 🤔 maybe those are two variations of the same sort of bitterness.
IE. Wasting time & attention (energy and resources) on the unfocused and/or undeserving 🙃 something like that :)
My experiment (currently mid-year 8), like your own, continues. 🤗
Here’s a piece about bitterness from Luciano Armani - April 17, 2022
His 4 points at the end are 💯 on point.
“Your bitterness is a great ally!
(bitterness is the projector not self theme)
Becoming intimate with my bitterness has been one of the most transformative and important parts of my projector journey
Knowing my resentfulness inside and out
Which things make me fall deeper into it, and which quench it
Knowing that thirst for recognition, and what happens if i try to push for it
Becoming familiar with the heat of exhaustion, even at the earliest stages, has saved me from major disaster countless times
Observing myself grasping, comparing, thinking “why them and not me?”
Knowing full well the sound of its voice inside my head, the dark thoughts, full of poison
Feeling unseen, not valued, burned out.
How did i get there? did i push my body too hard? did i initiate when i should not have?
It can be as simple as staying up too late one day, correcting someone uninvited on a seemingly uninmportant topic, or trying to prove myself in any way to anyone (open ego).
Any of it is enough to trigger some notes of that flavor, that bitter taste in my mouth
It seems like nothing, yet unattended, it piles up and compounds until it becomes pure misery
Yet with time, i have noticed it is an invaluable ally.
It really is a compass, it points the way to alignment. Because the faintest trace of it, says, careful, this is not the way! Course correct! From 0 to 100, how bitter do i feel today? maybe it would be best to take the day off and just rest and read a book.
Nowadays i rarely taste the worst of it. I have learned to:
• Drop it
• Set firm boundaries
• Rest at the very first sign of exhaustion
• Wait until asked to provide insight
It really is that simple. Yet how stubborn i was until i learned to listen to it!
This stuff really works!”
-L